Take a seat and stay a while because I have figured something
huge out about myself, and when I say
huge I mean
huge! Also, do not judge me on how many times I use the word "struggle" in this post! You thought I was going to say huge, didn't you:p
I'll begin by saying that for the past few months, off and on, I have been in a bad place...Nothing deep, dark and scary, but
bad none the less!
I've realized that since I got married in December 08', I've been feeling empty, lost and without purpose...To the point where I have gone into
what I'm embarrassed to say depression...There really is no other word for it! I can't blame it on being pregnant and hormonal, because while I might be hormonal, I am certainly not pregnant. Nor can I say its from lack of sleep, even though I do not sleep well. I really cannot blame it on my job although it isn't helping the feelings of being stagnant...And it most definitely has nothing to do with my
absolutely perfect, sweet and caring husband...Trust me, we are still "puke worthy" in love! In fact I think the former me, of three years ago, just threw up today watching us make
kissie faces:p However, do not burn me at the stake for saying this, but it turns out being married isn't a fix for complete happiness...*gasp* I know...
Getting married I had no expectations that my husband would "complete me" and that I would no longer need to pursue inner joy. But then I'm asking myself
why am I so surprised that I find I still have to work at it???I stated above that this feeling started shortly after I got married, so I'm going to clear that up for you. This actually came to me yesterday while eating lunch with the man of my dreams:) Before I married R, I was a
struggler. I struggled with most everything in my life from money to relationships to God and the list certainly goes on and on...I was raised Amish in a not so Amish friendly environment i.e the world outside of a community...I fought to graduate with even a GED when my mother, out of pure exhaustion and lack of time gave up on mine and my siblings home schooled education. We were given the books and supplies but ultimately it was up to us whether or not we used them. There was literally no consequence to being lazy in our studies. Doing such was only hurting us and no one else. This was all at the age eight. I was also in the work force at the age of 9, struggling along side my folks, trying to help make ends meet. So with all of this, why was I upset when my first taste of romance was five years of nothing but hard times?!?! I am positive I'm not the only sob story out there, even in just this blog realm:p I am only telling you this because it is so ironic...The reason I've been unhappy is because I no longer struggle! Being married has really made me realize that. *okay, you can throw one rock, but just one* The best way to explain it is I have had a life full of tremendous growth because of struggling and now that I'm married, now that I have someone to share my life with who makes life so easy, I feel there is no need to struggle and that makes me feel lost...I apparently don't know how to function without that element in my life! Sad huh??? Not really...I was constantly fulfilled because of life and how damn hard it could be...And I know that most people would praise the day it all ended, but not me... I recognize the
value of life and its struggles too much...It truly is the direct link to inner joy...Be honest, we are all happy when we are growing in some way! It really sucks when your in the eye of your own personal storm, but the beauty you see when that storm clears is breath taking...Its earth shattering...You feel invincible...This is not to say that I want a big crappy pile of struggle on my door step in the morning, I just want to have something that requires a little work in my life again...
So how about it? I would love to hear about a personal struggle that made you a stronger person:) I mean, I just bared my soul and said that I would rather struggle then have a perfect life! Who does that???
