It's been a while since I've checked in with myself and analyzed how I'm dealing. So today seemed pretty perfect, because yesterday marked two months since I kissed this face last... Two months doesn't seem like a lot of time passed and when I look at it in my donut of misery, it's a pretty pathetic sliver of completion but WOW. It sure feels like F.O.R.E.V.E.R.... Today really felt like the world was going to eat. me. and all I wanted was this guy right here, with his comforting ways of making stress and anxiety just disappear...
There's so many moments in my day where I miss you babe and wish like hell you weren't half a world away... Or maybe it's a whole world away?
So far, we've been through Thanksgiving without you (that was hard) SugarCubes first Christmas and next up, her first birthday 28 days from now... I can't even imagine how much that's going to hurt; wishing you could be there with me, watching our puddin'face open gifts, taste sugary birthday cake for the first time, and just celebrate her sweet sweet baby self, being apart of our lives for one entire year...
Lately, I've been spending a lot of time day dreaming about your return. Maybe not the smartest plan while aunt flo reigns her wrath upon me, in addition to the exhaustion I feel from nursing our sick, clingy, fussy baby back to health (still waiting on the healthy happy baby to return) ... But daydreaming is always a bright spot when I need a comforting, joyful escape from reality, kind of like today. I love how our talks always find their way back to life in Washington once you return, our plans for getting Alyssa and I back up there and just general focus on the future after this tour. I much rather think about that. But then it makes this waiting feel sludgy slow!
I'm hoping like heck I catch you on FaceTime/FaceBook soon, for more than a few minutes. I was so spoiled by the first month you were gone. We spoke every night, mostly, for at least an hour or two. It was great! But I guess that's not the norm, because you changed locations and I feel we barely talk now. If it's not something on your end, it's something on mine. We joked, during your time in Georgia as a drill sergeant, that the trail was just like a deployment. And in a lot of ways, I guess it was... We were like passing ships even then, but at least I got to see your face. Granted, you were fast a sleep by the time I slipped between the covers each night. But I was blessed, in the way that, I knew you were safe. I tried to never take that for granted or complain about our lack of time. I KNEW how lucky I was to have you under the same roof each night... A far distant to us now. There's not a day that goes by, where I don't take mental pictures of my day with our daughter and place you in them. It helps in an odd sort of way... This goes without say, but I'm really looking forward to the day where I no longer need to imagine you there...
We're 7 days into the new year and so far, it's feeling pretty great! Yes, my husband is still missing from my bed and will be for another 7 months, but beyond that life is full of sunshine (literally) and optimism! Moving to Arizona has turned out to be good for SugarCube and I. We're more then surviving this deployment; we're actually happy most days. Baby girl has so much love surrounding her every moment here, which makes me so happy for her. She definitely misses her daddy and lights up when she sees him over FaceTime but the majority of time she's just interested in who ever will give her attention, table scraps and hugs :) Ahhhh. To be a kid....
Being here has also given me the golden opportunity to start taking better care of myself which is the MAJOR source of my happiness outside of my daughter. I swear. Most days I feel like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, under going huge transformations. Thanks to my in-laws for pushing me to see the need and their very generous babysitting (which I think it's more for them and not so much for me, lol) I've been pretty active visiting my sister in Las Vegas (Oops. totally failed to write about that even though I did take pictures!) visiting the gym weekly, climbing when my sister in-law is down from Flag Staff, hiking, running, working on Shaun T's Insanity and taking brisk walks around the neighborhood with the babe. I get out often. Even if it's for a run to the market. I've also attended a few gal pal meet ups. I've been seeing a phenomenal chiropractor for over a month now, which has been great for my hip and lower back pain, ever since the baby. Less excitably, I've had some teeth sawed on (just finished my first root canal and hope it's my last) and I've also been seeing a fabulous spiritual counselor which has been great for my larger then life stress and anxiety. Over the 2 months R's been away, I feel I've made a huge change; I'm more the bubbly, adventurous, mischievous girl he married and I can't wait to show myself off once he gets home ♥ So hurry on home already babe!
|3 Weeks ago in Vegas. I haven't decided what was on the mirror. Baby slobber maybe?|
|Terrible back drop|
My goal is to reach 126 by the time R returns and have arms, a butt, legs and torso to be proud of! I say this with relativity. I know I will never have the body I'm used to, pre baby. My mid section might always be a bit "loose" and I definitely have some stretch marks to prove I carried a child. But that's just all apart of the new me that I'm learning to love this year... I believe what I see in my head is very achievable and I cannot wait to get there. So I'm going to be linking up with...
And the lovely, adventurous Kelly every Friday to help stay accountable to myself and to maybe inspire along the way! Yay for my first blogging theme! I've never really been good at keeping up with those but THIS I can do ;) I've been back on my clean eating for almost a week, minus the chocolate cake I indulged in tonight while watching Planet Earth, but I only ate half a slice instead of the entire piece. And I do need to get way WAY better at drinking my water again. You'd think living in Arizona with all this dry heat I would be craving the stuff, but most days it's a struggle. This is a must to loose weight as well as getting 8 solid hours of sleep a night. I've got my work cut out for me but at least I have a workout routine already seated in pretty solid determination. Now to take my own advise and get that 8 hours of sleep before my daughter's 6-7'ish wake up call ;) I hope you'll come back this Friday to see how I did and maybe consider participating yourself! This should be fun.
I've decided the "he's gone and we're dealing" post couldn't wait until the reveal of my new makeover. A girl needs to talk after such huge events and after reading a fellow bloggers "dealing" post over at Learning As We Go (her husband deployed shortly after R) I felt really inspired to write mine...
|Taken while we were waiting to say "goodbye." She was such a cuddle bug with her daddy this day, sitting in his lap perfectly for 2 hours! That never happens. I think she understood daddy needed some baby cuddles.|
|Thanks to my sister in-law we got a nice family photo before he left (this probably isn't the time to bring up how chunky I look and that I hope the camera added those extra pounds, but wow I thought I looked thinner then this! MORE CARDIO)|
|It was pretty windy and cold that day, but SugarCube just kept smiling :)|
Eight hours after we parted ways though and I had gotten my bawl on (silently) I got the text.. My sis in-law Suzi and I had already ordered and devoured a large pizza and wine and dark chocolate was setting the scene. We were doing this right! But there it was, a text from hubby staring me in the face
I finally put SugarCubes daddy bear together the other day and as much as I love seeing lil' Roscoe in her crib and how much she loves him, this bear has me tied in knots!
Mumble Mumble, Deployment Rumbles
I feel there is SOOOOOO much I could blog about these days, that it gets truly overwhelming! So instead of dumping on the ol' blog and using it for it's purpose, I don't. ha!
I blame life right now. Which is seriously coming at us all too fast these days.
I feel like I'm living in a bubble of denial because if I don't, I'd barely have time to sneak a breath of air!
I've mentioned the rumblings of a deployment on here before but since it's officially upon us and (no seriously. I can feel it combing the hairs on the back of my neck, as it passes) I'm more then feeling the effects of it: stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, emotionally wanting to spend and then there's the obvious 1,000 moments of neediness I experience in a day. You know what I'm talking about ladies. "Honey, I need a hug, a kiss, a foot rub. Can we snuggle? Pillow talk? Do you love me? Do I make you happy?" Crazy laughter, then crying, then eating...Must I go on! Phew...Poor hubby!
I'm really trying to not allow my anxiety to over run what little time we've left, but it's hard y'all! Everyday I take mental pictures of my lovers smile, laughter, presence in our home and the feel of him sleeping in our bed but even those things send me into a UGLY-SAPPY-SAD mess...
That's why, it's probably a good thing, the decision was made for SugarCube and I to move in with R's folks, in Arizona. I was going to be all independent and tough and stay. We have a nice house (rental) in a cute but large neighborhood (so excited for Halloween) that I could really see myself making a go of it here. But, I haven't made that many friends in a year (I'm so bad about that) and being a stay at home mom with no "responsibilities" or excitement to pass the time, didn't make it ideal to stay. However, I could have and would have found a way to spice up our life and pass the time, i.e go back to work part-time, join a gym, take a college class etc... However, it really came down to finances and R's peace of mind that his girls would be taken care of.
It's not all about the money, although we will save a TON and basically be debt free in 9 months. I really am excited! I get along GREAT with my in-laws. They are seriously the best people and I'm so blessed to have them. I also love my sister in-law. She's really out going and fun. The perfect pal for a time when I'll need distractions:) But the biggest perk is, I'm over the moon excited for SugarCube to have her Grammy G, Grampa G and Aunt Suzi so near. I loved growing up with my grand-parents down the walk, so if I can give that to Alyssa, I want to. Even if it is for a short time.
So! We're moving!
Bring on the boxes, packing tape, utter craziness of an 8 month old, 2 large dogs, a cat and of course, the 1400 mile road trip! Did I mention I'm doing this sans hubby? The only thing we're packing before he leaves is his garage. The rest of the house is mine. I guess I'll be earning my mil-spouse wings in true fashion!
Here's to the next year of more big changes, new adventures and stronger relationships.