Dear Deployment

JANUARY 16, 2013

It's been a while since I've checked in with myself and analyzed how I'm dealing. So today seemed pretty perfect, because yesterday marked two months since I kissed this face last... Two months doesn't seem like a lot of time passed and when I look at it in my donut of misery, it's a pretty pathetic sliver of completion but WOW.  It sure feels like F.O.R.E.V.E.R.... Today really felt like the world was going to eat. me. and all I wanted was this guy right here, with his comforting ways of making stress and anxiety just disappear...

There's so many moments in my day where I miss you babe and wish like hell you weren't half a world away... Or maybe it's a whole world away?

So far, we've been through Thanksgiving without you (that was hard) SugarCubes first Christmas and next up, her first birthday 28 days from now... I can't even imagine how much that's going to hurt; wishing you could be there with me, watching our puddin'face open gifts, taste sugary birthday cake for the first time, and just celebrate her sweet sweet baby self, being apart of our lives for one entire year...

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time day dreaming about your return. Maybe not the smartest plan while aunt flo reigns her wrath upon me, in addition to the exhaustion I feel from nursing our sick, clingy, fussy baby back to health (still waiting on the healthy happy baby to return) ... But daydreaming is always a bright spot when I need a comforting, joyful escape from reality, kind of like today. I love how our talks always find their way back to life in Washington once you return, our plans for getting Alyssa and I back up there and just general focus on the future after this tour. I much rather think about that. But then it makes this waiting feel sludgy slow!

I'm hoping like heck I catch you on FaceTime/FaceBook soon, for more than a few minutes. I was so spoiled by the first month you were gone. We spoke every night, mostly, for at least an hour or two. It was great! But I guess that's not the norm, because you changed locations and I feel we barely talk now.  If it's not something on your end, it's something on mine. We joked, during your time in Georgia as a drill sergeant, that the trail was just like a deployment. And in a lot of ways, I guess it was... We were like passing ships even then, but at least I got to see your face. Granted, you were fast a sleep by the time I slipped between the covers each night. But I was blessed, in the way that, I knew you were safe. I tried to never take that for granted or complain about our lack of time. I KNEW how lucky I was to have you under the same roof each night... A far distant to us now. There's not a day that goes by, where I don't take mental pictures of my day with our daughter and place you in them. It helps in an odd sort of way... This goes without say, but I'm really looking forward to the day where I no longer need to imagine you there...

JANUARY 7, 2013

New Year, New'ish Me!

We're 7 days into the new year and so far, it's feeling pretty great! Yes, my husband is still missing from my bed and will be for another 7 months, but beyond that life is full of sunshine (literally) and optimism! Moving to Arizona has turned out to be good for SugarCube and I. We're more then surviving this deployment; we're actually happy most days. Baby girl has so much love surrounding her every moment here, which makes me so happy for her. She definitely misses her daddy and lights up when she sees him over FaceTime but the majority of time she's just interested in who ever will give her attention, table scraps and hugs :) Ahhhh. To be a kid....

Being here has also given me the golden opportunity to start taking better care of myself which is the MAJOR source of my happiness outside of my daughter. I swear. Most days I feel like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, under going huge transformations. Thanks to my in-laws for pushing me to see the need and their very generous babysitting (which I think it's more for them and not so much for me, lol) I've been pretty active visiting my sister in Las Vegas (Oops. totally failed to write about that even though I did take pictures!) visiting the gym weekly, climbing when my sister in-law is down from Flag Staff, hiking, running, working on Shaun T's Insanity and taking brisk walks around the neighborhood with the babe. I get out often. Even if it's for a run to the market. I've also attended a few gal pal meet ups. I've been seeing a phenomenal chiropractor for over a month now, which has been great for my hip and lower back pain, ever since the baby. Less excitably, I've had some teeth sawed on (just finished my first root canal and hope it's my last) and I've also been seeing a fabulous spiritual counselor which has been great for my larger then life stress and anxiety. Over the 2 months R's been away, I feel I've made a huge change; I'm more the bubbly, adventurous, mischievous girl he married and I can't wait to show myself off once he gets home ♥ So hurry on home already babe!

 But onto the fitness portion of this post which is what I really intending to write about. My one goal over the holidays was to maintain my current weight and not gain anything back that I worked so hard to loose over the summer. Yesterday, I stepped on the scale for the first time since mid November. I was so nervous! I had no idea what that thing was going to say but no matter the number, I wasn't going to allow it to sap my motivation. I'm having too much fun to allow my goals to be squashed by a mere number. Am I right!?! Surprisingly and excitably though, I'm down 1 pound from where I last weighed! August 2012 was my last fitness weigh in where I showed you I went from 165.5 to 145 lbs in 2 months. I now weigh 136 lbs and have a lot more tone and muscle. Not that you can see it in these pics. AWFUL lighting and an even more terrible backdrop. But for the sake of making an appearance ;)

3 Weeks ago in Vegas. I haven't decided what was on the mirror. Baby slobber maybe? 

Terrible back drop

My goal is to reach 126 by the time R returns and have arms, a butt, legs and torso to be proud of! I say this with relativity. I know I will never have the body I'm used to, pre baby. My mid section might always be a bit "loose" and I definitely have some stretch marks to prove I carried a child. But that's just all apart of the new me that I'm learning to love this year... I believe what I see in my head is very achievable and I cannot wait to get there. So I'm going to be linking up with...

And the lovely, adventurous Kelly every Friday to help stay accountable to myself and to maybe inspire along the way! Yay for my first blogging theme! I've never really been good at keeping up with those but THIS I can do ;) I've been back on my clean eating for almost a week, minus the chocolate cake I indulged in tonight while watching Planet Earth, but I only ate half a slice instead of the entire piece. And I do need to get way WAY better at drinking my water again. You'd think living in Arizona with all this dry heat I would be craving the stuff, but most days it's a struggle. This is a must to loose weight as well as getting 8 solid hours of sleep a night. I've got my work cut out for me but at least I have a workout routine already seated in pretty solid determination. Now to take my own advise and get that 8 hours of sleep before my daughter's 6-7'ish wake up call ;)  I hope you'll come back this Friday to see how I did and maybe consider participating yourself! This should be fun.     

DECEMBER 6, 2012

He's Gone

I've decided the "he's gone and we're dealing" post couldn't wait until the reveal of my new makeover. A girl needs to talk after such huge events and after reading a fellow bloggers "dealing" post over at   Learning As We Go (her husband deployed shortly after R) I felt really inspired to write mine...

I wrote in my last "quick" update that R did in fact leave and we made it to his folks in Arizona. And again, saying "Goodbye" to R was really tough. It felt like we'd been building up to this moment for MONTHS and then it finally came and I wasn't ready. But I had no idea the degree of pain I'd feel, watching him buckle our nine month old daughter into her car seat while saying " I'll see you real soon puddin'face. Be good for mommy."  I'm certain that a small force of outer beings decided to recolonize the life source known as my heart, right then and there because...OUCH! I swear I wasn't breathing as he kissed me one last time and I begged him to be safe. 
Taken while we were waiting to say "goodbye." She was such a cuddle bug with her daddy this day, sitting in his lap perfectly for 2 hours! That never happens. I think she understood daddy needed some baby cuddles.
Thanks to my sister in-law we got a nice family photo before he left (this probably isn't the time to bring up how chunky I look and that I hope the camera added those extra pounds, but wow I thought I looked thinner then this! MORE CARDIO)
It was pretty windy and cold that day, but SugarCube just kept smiling :) 

 Eight hours after we parted ways though and I had gotten my bawl on (silently) I got the text.. My sis in-law Suzi and I had already ordered and devoured a large pizza and wine and dark chocolate was setting the scene. We were doing this right! But there it was, a text from hubby staring me in the face

"So the plane is delayed for an unknown amount of time. May get canceled altogether. I'll let you know more as I find out."
I felt very confused and torn y'all! Don't get me wrong. I was GIDDY excited at the possibility of seeing him again, but the thought of doing this all over at a later date was not a highlight. Turned out, his flight was in fact canceled and I did get to see his handsome face again. The next few days to follow were torture though. It took three days before they deployed but each day, it was unknown if they'd leave. So we had to prepare like he was deploying every afternoon. OMG what a fantastic emotional roller coaster that was! We'd drive him to his company, they'd unload bags, grab weapons and gather into a formation as the 1st. Sgt delivered the news.  It finally came down to us dropping R at the Rainier Inn on post, the afternoon before he left and hitting the open road ourselves. We had already handed our keys over to the rental agency, everything was packed and stored and it was just time to rip the band aid. We were also uncertain of when he'd finally exit the country, at the time, and with my sister in-law needing to get back to school and work, it was the right decision. But what a HORRIBLE wifey position to be in...Oh well; it's done and over and we're finally settling into a place of accepted change. 
In terms of our new home and the large transition that naturally is, Jessica from Learning As We Go has put, perfectly, into words where I'm at with that...  
"I'm figuring out where the little things like cutting boards, strainers and baking pans go. This seems like a little thing, I'm sure, but it makes me feel more at home. You know how it is when you are visiting at someone else's house and you try to empty the dishwasher for them, but you don't know where anything goes? Yeah, I hate that."
Ha! If you've ever done the blending families thing in a home not your home, you can totally relate to this! I read this and was like, YES! This is exactly the time and place I'm in. I still feel like a visitor most days but I'm slowly learning where things go, what foods my in-laws like to eat, how they like their time spent etc. I've already goofed though and keep leaving the stove burners on (a sign of a multi-tasker) I never clear out the extra minutes on the microwave after using it (which I'm not sure if that drives my mom or dad in-law nuts or maybe both,  lol!) and when I drive my dad in-laws truck I'm always forgetting to move his seat back. R's family are giants so my 5'6 frame doesn't cut it for driving space ;) These are all trivial things that I'll get the hang of soon. But I feel like this time oddly resembles the first years of marriage and that tickles my funny bone, haha!  
My in-laws are, really, just wonderful people though who are truly making this transition fun and simple. They have embraced their granddaughter and I completely, spoiling SugarCube into a puddle of maple syrup. They worked so hard on making a special space for the room baby girl and I share and even took the time to go antiquing for a wooden highchair which Grampa "G" cleaned up and Grammy "G" bedazzled! Grampa "G" does amazing things with wood and also had an adorable wooden rocker made and ready for SugarCube's cute baby bunz. She loves each piece and it means the world to this mama's heart. Could I have asked for a better extended family to spend nine months with? I THINK NOT! Mama "G" is really quick to offer any extra sleep, time alone or baby sitting services whenever I want too. I feel like I'm on vacation y'all but trying not to get too spoiled or take advantage, lol! 
Slowly, this town is starting to feel slightly comfortable and familiar. I still NEVER leave the house without my smartphone and Google Maps loaded on it, but I'm recognizing more and more landmarks and street names each day. I've scoped out the local Target (a survival must) malls, grocery stores, gas stations, post office (because I should literally camp there for the next nine months) and of course every girl needs her Starbucks or an equivalent! We're also lucky to have an Air Force base 30 minutes from here so Alyssa will still be seen by a  military doctor. Which I'm excited for! This means familiarity y'all and that is my life line right now; solders in uniforms, those aggravatingly slow speed zones due to PT hours, Commissaries, Exchanges, and even the "this gets really old every darn time" check points. I'll also have an excuse to use my military I.D again! You have no idea how much I miss needing that thing...Even though my picture is a disgusting 34 week pregnant shining ( not the good kind of shine more like I'm stretched to the max with water weight shine) face smiling back at me (okay my smile no longer existed either)... It's still familiar, makes me feel connected to R, which releases a smile each time! It's the little things y'all...
There is so much more I could write but I'm afraid I lost you back in Washington, ha! So in an attempt to learn the art of pacing myself, I'll save these next edge of your seat posts for a later time. Don't you just love how people go for long periods of time, then BLAH! They deliver a 10 page article??? That's pretty much been me the past 2 years. But I feel the rumblings of a strong blogging itch, so that's soon to change!
Hope everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving!!! 

NOVEMBER 28, 2012


I know... 
It's been almost 3 weeks and you've been waiting to hear from me after the dreaded "goodbye" and LONG road trip from Washington to Arizona. Well, I'm just popping in to say, he did leave and my heart is still recovering...That was by far, the hardest thing I've had to endure so far. Also, my sweet baby and I DID make it to Arizona where we're currently enjoying 75+ degree sunny shine shine weather and we're happy as happy can be without our solider around.
I'll definitely be updating this blog in great detail and WAY MORE OFTEN (real soon) but I'm currently working on a blog makeover that I cannot wait to show off so I'm holding out on you for just a bit longer. Maybe another 5-6 days!
Until then, I hope you had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving, a fun successful Black Friday (If you shop Black Friday. I sure did and it was a blast!) and that you're enjoying the days leading up to Santa's big visit! See you real soon with a fun, cheery new look and a name change!
Stay tuned...     

NOVEMBER 7, 2012

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Yesterday was my birthday and it pretty much blowed.
People were arguing over politics (what's new) and this "I can't breath" anxiety feeling over R's I could scream it's so close deployment just keeps mounting. Yesterday was my worst day yet, dealing. I didn't feel like playing. I didn't want to put a smile on my face and I certainly didn't feel like acting. Yesterday, everything "wasn't" okay. It was my birthday dang'it and I was going to spend it how I wanted; refusing to fake a smile that wasn't there. Which is why I'm THRILLED that today is a much better day. 

If you've been following me for any length of time, you'd know that I'm usually a VERY upbeat positive person. I use A LOT of "exclamation" marks in my writing because that's my natural state! I'm excitable and cheerful most of the time. I never "like" being gloomy and negative. It just doesn't feel good inside so I try to deflect it. 
However, right now, it's taking a lot of energy to hold it together. I haven't slept a solid 4 hours in 3 weeks. And when I do sleep, its very forced, full of thrashing and frustration. NO sleep aid has helped. That has got to be taking it's toll right?  It sucks, but the special moments we do attempt seems to be forced, which falls flat, leaving us disappointed with yet another failed attempt to connect. Worst feeling EVER! That mental ticking clock might as well be a torture device y'all... However, we still fight for it. We fight to connect and push aside the pressure of time. It' important! We know, if we don't, we'll allow the bad to suffocate the good with what little time we have left. Kind of like yesterday. I seriously failed in that department, but I've picked myself back up today, determined to make it better... That's all I can do right? 
I just hope this phase will subside after the bandaids been ripped off and he's on that flight. I feel like all of this "yuck" is stemming from him still being here...And possibly, in some lil' delusional part of my brain, I think that equates to...I can control this! I can stop him from leaving. But I can't...And I know it. The anxiety of his exit date, is making me crazy. "NO, you wouldn't say!" I feel pressure to have this MAKE sense in our lives and to find peace with it. To also find strength and deny the inevitable "bawling fit" that's sure to come. I'm really scared of that...Are you getting the sense that I don't deal with emotion well? Yeah, me too...
For those of you, who are going through this or have gone through this, does it get better once they leave? Am I onto something or does it only get better once they're home?
I promise to polish, pick myself up and bring back the usual sunshine state of this blog, once R leaves. But for now, I feel we'll have to settle with a muted dawn...I'm working with a wonderful gal on a new blog design that's full of color and cheer, so I think the reveal will be perfect timing with the above! Thank you for reading!!! 
Until then-- 

OCTOBER 31, 2012

I Finally Understand

I finally put SugarCubes daddy bear together the other day and as much as I love seeing lil' Roscoe in her crib and how much she loves him, this bear has me tied in knots! 


We were playing on the floor yesterday, with books and toys and of course Roscoe too, when I started pointing to the picture on his belly saying "dada-dada-dada. Can you say dada?" She, of course, looks at me with fascination but not really "getting" it and moves onto a book, intent on slobbering all over it :) I sat there watching her play, but then REALLY starting looking at that picture. BAD IDEA!

I almost lost it right then! The tears and, what's bound to be, the ugliest emotional break down in my life, feels all too close these days. I can no longer say, "we have a month, three weeks or even two!" The thought that we'll only have that bear to hug and hold onto VERY SOON, is just...Wow...There's not words! I've determined that I cannot talk about this without my heart feeling like it's being squeezed into a raisin. And Lord, the horrible stab of pain at knowing our time together is down to almost nothing is brutal...
Truth be told y'all. I used to be a pretty emotionally detached person until the birth of our daughter. Don't get me wrong. I HAD passion and the ability to be a good friend. I'd just learned not to get TOO involved and attached to people, places or things. An entire life of being on the move, hopping from one place to the next, will do that! So this new me, is definitely uncharted waters and a learning curve. I'm not used to feeling so strongly on a daily basis and WANTING closer relationships! Point in case...

When R and I said our vows in December of 2008, that ended a LONG, long distance relationship, I found the wonderful world of blogging and better yet, a copious and thriving community of fellow MilSpouses! I was thrilled!!! However, I would stumble upon posts LIKE this one; wives and girlfriends in shambles over the departure of their significant other. And I remember thinking, I definitely feel badly for them and I wouldn't wish that fear and anxiety, deployments dump, on ANYONE but what's the big deal! You SURELY will not DIE sweety. I promise. If I can do 5 years of being apart from my man, so can you! 
To be blunt. I thought some of those posts were a little over the top and really focused on dramatizing the situation. Keep in mind, these girls were writing of their concern with time spent apart, not the terrible fear of something bad happening to their loved one ;) However, I realize that goes without saying ;)
Fast forward almost four years later and BOY, how times and people change!!!! I feel terrible for my unemotional lack of understanding and disrespect of others feelings, no matter that I NEVER voiced them a loud. What I was forgetting, is that those girls had actual, physical memories and TIME spent with their significant other. They had built strong bonds, having that person IN their lives daily! Not to mention, some had added children to the mix. That changes things SO MUCH! I know... They weren't used to using Skype, Facebook, emails and texting as a form of personal connection. No. They used hugs, kisses, touches and smiles. After 5 years of not having that, I finally experienced what REAL connection was. And I can say it definitely changes the heart while strengthening your bond more then I thought possible!
I'm not really sure why I've chosen to share this, other then to voice recurring thoughts and note the change within myself. To also say "I Get it!" If you're dealing with a deployment, or absences of your loved one, I understand and I can relate. 
And to also ask for prayer or positive thoughts for my family, as we transition "back" into time spent apart...

SEPTEMBER 25, 2012

Mumble Mumble, Deployment Rumbles

I feel there is SOOOOOO much I could blog about these days, that it gets truly overwhelming! So instead of dumping on the ol' blog and using it for it's purpose, I don't. ha!

I blame life right now. Which is seriously coming at us all too fast these days.
I feel like I'm living in a bubble of denial because if I don't, I'd barely have time to sneak a breath of air!

I've mentioned the rumblings of a deployment on here before but since it's officially upon us and (no seriously. I can feel it combing the hairs on the back of my neck, as it passes)  I'm more then feeling the effects of it: stress, anxiety, lack of sleep,  emotionally wanting to spend and then there's the obvious 1,000 moments of neediness I experience in a day. You know what I'm talking about ladies. "Honey, I need a hug, a kiss, a foot rub. Can we snuggle? Pillow talk? Do you love me? Do I make you happy?" Crazy laughter, then crying, then eating...Must I go on! Phew...Poor hubby!

I'm really trying to not allow my anxiety to over run what little time we've left, but it's hard y'all! Everyday I take mental pictures of my lovers smile, laughter, presence in our home and the feel of him sleeping in our bed but even those things send me into a UGLY-SAPPY-SAD mess...

 That's why, it's probably a good thing, the decision was made for SugarCube and I to move in with R's folks, in Arizona. I was going to be all independent and tough and stay. We have a nice house (rental) in a cute but large neighborhood (so excited for Halloween) that I could really see myself making a go of it here. But, I haven't made that many friends in a year (I'm so bad about that) and being a stay at home mom with no "responsibilities" or excitement to pass the time, didn't make it ideal to stay. However, I could have and would have found a way to spice up our life and pass the time, i.e go back to work part-time, join a gym, take a college class etc... However, it really came down to finances and R's peace of mind that his girls would be taken care of.

It's not all about the money, although we will save a TON and basically be debt free in 9 months. I really am excited! I get along GREAT with my in-laws. They are seriously the best people and I'm so blessed to have them. I also love my sister in-law. She's really out going and fun. The perfect pal for a time when I'll need distractions:) But the biggest perk is, I'm over the moon excited for SugarCube to have her Grammy G, Grampa G and Aunt Suzi so near. I loved growing up with my grand-parents down the walk, so if I can give that to Alyssa, I want to. Even if it is for a short time.

So! We're moving!

Bring on the boxes, packing tape, utter craziness of an 8 month old, 2 large dogs, a cat and of course, the 1400 mile road trip! Did I mention I'm doing this sans hubby? The only thing we're packing before he leaves is his garage. The rest of the house is mine. I guess I'll be earning my mil-spouse wings in true fashion!

Here's to the next year of more big changes, new adventures and stronger relationships.


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