April 26, 2010

Moment Of Insanity You Might Say...

Take a seat and stay a while because I have figured something huge out about myself, and when I say huge I mean huge! Also, do not judge me on how many times I use the word "struggle" in this post! You thought I was going to say huge, didn't you:p

I'll begin by saying that for the past few months, off and on, I have been in a bad place...Nothing deep, dark and scary, but bad none the less!

I've realized that since I got married in December 08', I've been feeling empty, lost and without purpose...To the point where I have gone into what I'm embarrassed to say depression...There really is no other word for it! I can't blame it on being pregnant and hormonal, because while I might be hormonal, I am certainly not pregnant. Nor can I say its from lack of sleep, even though I do not sleep well. I really cannot blame it on my job although it isn't helping the feelings of being stagnant...And it most definitely has nothing to do with my absolutely perfect, sweet and caring husband...Trust me, we are still "puke worthy" in love! In fact I think the former me, of three years ago, just threw up today watching us make kissie faces:p However, do not burn me at the stake for saying this, but it turns out being married isn't a fix for complete happiness...*gasp* I know...

Getting married I had no expectations that my husband would "complete me" and that I would no longer need to pursue inner joy. But then I'm asking myself why am I so surprised that I find I still have to work at it???

I stated above that this feeling started shortly after I got married, so I'm going to clear that up for you. This actually came to me yesterday while eating lunch with the man of my dreams:) Before I married R, I was a struggler. I struggled with most everything in my life from money to relationships to God and the list certainly goes on and on...I was raised Amish in a not so Amish friendly environment i.e the world outside of a community...I fought to graduate with even a GED when my mother, out of pure exhaustion and lack of time gave up on mine and my siblings home schooled education. We were given the books and supplies but ultimately it was up to us whether or not we used them. There was literally no consequence to being lazy in our studies. Doing such was only hurting us and no one else. This was all at the age eight. I was also in the work force at the age of 9, struggling along side my folks, trying to help make ends meet. So with all of this, why was I upset when my first taste of romance was five years of nothing but hard times?!?! I am positive I'm not the only sob story out there, even in just this blog realm:p I am only telling you this because it is so ironic...The reason I've been unhappy is because I no longer struggle! Being married has really made me realize that. *okay, you can throw one rock, but just one* The best way to explain it is I have had a life full of tremendous growth because of struggling and now that I'm married, now that I have someone to share my life with who makes life so easy, I feel there is no need to struggle and that makes me feel lost...I apparently don't know how to function without that element in my life! Sad huh??? Not really...I was constantly fulfilled because of life and how damn hard it could be...And I know that most people would praise the day it all ended, but not me... I recognize the value of life and its struggles too much...It truly is the direct link to inner joy...Be honest, we are all happy when we are growing in some way! It really sucks when your in the eye of your own personal storm, but the beauty you see when that storm clears is breath taking...Its earth shattering...You feel invincible...This is not to say that I want a big crappy pile of struggle on my door step in the morning, I just want to have something that requires a little work in my life again...

So how about it? I would love to hear about a personal struggle that made you a stronger person:) I mean, I just bared my soul and said that I would rather struggle then have a perfect life! Who does that???


  1. Congrats Becca! I know you can do it!!!

    You asked for my struggle, so here is the quick verson....

    I grew up with domestic violence. My dad always would throw things and yell and verbally abuse my mom. It was never directed at us, but when I was in 8th grade, it got so bad(unknown to me at the time)that my mom packed us up and headed to a shelter.(which wasnt a safe place, turns out there was a convicted child molester who was a CHILD staying there with his mom..my mom would lay awake for the whole night to make sure we were safe.) Can you imagine how bad things must have been for my mom to stay in a place like this?This of course i didnt find out until just a few years ago.

    Anyways, we moved to FL from CT to be close to my grandparents. We started over. No contact with my Dad. We got a cute little duplex and started school. We were in FL for a year. My mom felt that we should go back b/c my dad had "seen the light" so to speak and when to anger management. She called him. They yelled and cried and talked. At the end of 1997, she made the choice to bring us "home".

    Fast fowrad to 2001. I just graduated from HS in CT and my mom,dad and brothers and I were all going to move to FL again.

    My mom was diaginosed with Lupus in 2003 and of course, my dad was horrible to her. Cruel. He didnt believe she was sick(dispite the PROOF from the drs.) and told her she was making it up just for attention. That was the straw that broke my moms back.(so to speak) She filed for divorce.

    My brothers hate her now b/c she left. They are the spitting image of my dads worst side and they dont see it. They are sinking.They do not want to hear it or change it.

    As for me, I have trust issues with everyone.( I relate it back to the stuff I saw as a kid) Im nervous and anxious and have been depressed too. Thank goodness for my doctors and Zoloft! Ive beaten the depression and love live again.

    I fight everyday to not be like my dad. I have a huge mean streak in me when i get angry. Its a constant struggle...but like you, its the struggle of trying to be what my dad wasnt, that makes it fun! LOL.

    Anyways, stay focused and good luck! Keep us all posted here in blogland about how its going!!!

  2. Congrats on going back to school, that is very exciting news! I personally love online classes, but again it all depends on teacher and organization. You can do it!

    As for personal struggles (I'll make it short and to the point)...

    I was suicidal at one point (hate, hate, hate that!!) during middle school, because of “mean girl bullying.” Shortly after, I found God and He helped me get through each day. I would literally pray on the bus that it would be a good day. So sad!

    A year after that, I lost a very close friend to suicide. Thankfully, I had God in my life otherwise I’m not sure how I would have got through that.

    A few months after that, up until my current boyfriend, I have been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. Most of the relationships have been emotionally abusive. Still to this day, I am afraid of guys.

    Without all of the above, I would not be the person I am today. My friend says that the song “Fight like a Girl” reminds her of me, because that’s what I am – a fighter! I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (so much that I got it tattooed on my side/back).

    Anywho, good luck! Keep us updated on how school goes :)

  3. Congrats on the decision to go back to school! It's hard, but you can do it! I'm a teacher, so if you need any help, feel free to ask me! :)

  4. I think its a great idea to go back to school. Prove everyone wrong that says it is impossible. I'll be rooting for you.

  5. Congratulations on going back to school!

  6. Hey there!

    My name is Carmen and I'm sort of new to the whole blogger community (I migrated from xanga) and I'm trying to make some new military friends. I just thought I would stop by and say hello.

    I know you don't "know" me but I figured I would share the struggle that you asked for. I had something similar to Mrs. Jen McNeil except my dad never did anything to my mom but to me and his entire family made me feel like an outcast. I never felt I belonged anywhere since my dad's family excluded me and my mom's family merely didn't exist (literally, there was no side to her family, just her and her parents) and even then it wasn't exactly a walk in the park. This was almost my entire childhood which has made me a very insecure person and it usually takes me a very long time to really trust someone and to consider them family to me. However, despite all this, I am a strong person and I'm no longer afraid to stand up to my dad and his family for things I believe in which I am now trying to instill in my younger sister who lives with him. I hope this helps and it was really great reading your post and yay for heading back to school! =)

  7. This was such a great post, Mrs. G.I. Thank you for your honesty, insight and introspection, because I think you nailed an issue that so many women face. I think it's the struggle for meaning...for discovering your place in the world and carving it out. I think it's also the struggle of shedding childhood baggage and coming into your own. And I think you're also right about how this is something you have to work out for yourself, no matter how wonderful of a romantic relationship you may be in.

    I'm a little embarrassed to say what my life-changing struggle was b/c it pales in comparison to the other ones on here, but my coming-of-age was in China. I went by myself with no clue what I was getting into, and had to put up with a lot of anti-American sentiment from my European coworkers, not to mention the daily struggles of getting by in a foreign culture. (I worked there as an English teacher for 7 months.) It was the toughest but most rewarding thing I've ever done.

    And finally, best of luck to you with your education goals. YOU ARE A SMARTY PANTS, and you can do anything you set your mind to, so block those nay-sayers out and only listen to the yay-sayers! :)

  8. That's great! Congrats on going back to school, that's always such a big step. I think you're going to do great, it sounds like you really have your mind set on it! You can do it! Good luck!

  9. OMGosh....you are so incredible!!! I love your story...and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. You are freaking awesome!!!!! It all makes perfect sense why you feel so lost. You are amazing!!!!!! Don't feel depressed about your life of goodness:) It sounds like you married an amazing man, and I only know you in the "blogging world", but I am so proud of you!!!!!


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