Yesterday was my birthday and it pretty much blowed.
People were arguing over politics (what's new) and this "I can't breath" anxiety feeling over R's I could scream it's so close deployment just keeps mounting. Yesterday was my worst day yet, dealing. I didn't feel like playing. I didn't want to put a smile on my face and I certainly didn't feel like acting. Yesterday, everything "wasn't" okay. It was my birthday dang'it and I was going to spend it how I wanted; refusing to fake a smile that wasn't there.
Which is why I'm THRILLED that today is a much better day.
If you've been following me for any length of time, you'd know that I'm usually a VERY upbeat positive person. I use A LOT of "exclamation" marks in my writing because that's my natural state! I'm excitable and cheerful most of the time. I never "like" being gloomy and negative. It just doesn't feel good inside so I try to deflect it.
However, right now, it's taking a lot of energy to hold it together. I haven't slept a solid 4 hours in 3 weeks. And when I do sleep, its very forced, full of thrashing and frustration. NO sleep aid has helped. That has got to be taking it's toll right? It sucks, but the special moments we do attempt seems to be forced, which falls flat, leaving us disappointed with yet another failed attempt to connect. Worst feeling EVER! That mental ticking clock might as well be a torture device y'all... However, we still fight for it. We fight to connect and push aside the pressure of time. It' important! We know, if we don't, we'll allow the bad to suffocate the good with what little time we have left. Kind of like yesterday. I seriously failed in that department, but I've picked myself back up today, determined to make it better... That's all I can do right?
I just hope this phase will subside after the bandaids been ripped off and he's on that flight. I feel like all of this "yuck" is stemming from him still being here...And possibly, in some lil' delusional part of my brain, I think that equates to...I can control this! I can stop him from leaving. But I can't...And I know it. The anxiety of his exit date, is making me crazy. "NO, you wouldn't say!" I feel pressure to have this MAKE sense in our lives and to find peace with it. To also find strength and deny the inevitable "bawling fit" that's sure to come. I'm really scared of that...Are you getting the sense that I don't deal with emotion well? Yeah, me too...
For those of you, who are going through this or have gone through this, does it get better once they leave? Am I onto something or does it only get better once they're home?
I promise to polish, pick myself up and bring back the usual sunshine state of this blog, once R leaves. But for now, I feel we'll have to settle with a muted dawn...I'm working with a wonderful gal on a new blog design that's full of color and cheer, so I think the reveal will be perfect timing with the above! Thank you for reading!!!