October 14, 2013

The Mother of Brain Dumps

Sometimes my brain drives me nuts with all of it's random thoughts and ideas.
 oh why, do we women not have a nothing box? It doesn't hardly seem fair that guys get one but we don't? We're the one's who stress and angst the most in relationships. Who are constantly "on" solving the worlds problems in addition to our own...

So... Dear God, why weren't we given one of those? WE NEEEEED a nothing box!

Current thought stream.

 Guilt. Such a nasty little parasite. It seems I'm feeling extremely guilty these days and I'm not exactly sure why. Okay. I know why but it seems really misguided and maybe a bit about keeping myself down. EWWWWW! Just typing that brings me into focus here. Go away negative, no good for anyone, spirits! I know we're in the month of ghosts and ghouls but I'd rather just focus on the candy and bag the trash. K? 


 Why is baby fever even a thing? Is it to guarantee we'll populate the earth? As if we would never come to have more children, after the curtain of reality's been lifted. Okay. Okay. If your basing this idea off one woman (me) and her first experience with pregnancy, then there's probably a lot of truth in this, ha! Which is why, I'm really starting to freak myself out. I know in the deepest part of my soul, that I am not ready for another child yet. In fact I keep a stash of cheapie pregnancy tests to relive my paranoid mind every month. So explain to me WHY my brain and body are trying to convince me otherwise! I'm seriously at war with myself y'all. I have involuntarily zoned in on everything baby related and it's just the most bizarre feeling. Constantly, mentally, being poked and prodded...I get when YOU want something, you become very conscious of that desire. But. I. Don't. Want. This. Right. Now. It's definitely a hormonal, pre-built in "go" button. It's gotta be!


And what is it about Christmas music, that make us feel so warm and cozy? This past week has been a bit stressful, emotionally, and so I've been playing those illustrious melodies all week. Which is great! When it fixes problem A. The only downside is. it creates problem B--- Feeling all warm and cozy makes me want to have all things warm and cozy. i.e cookies. cakes. hot chocolate. argh. And my pj's, where I stake a claim on my couch, vowing to never leave my warm flannel cloaks. Savvy?
#150 on my to do list: delete holiday channel on Pandora ASAP.


Mommy fail. It appears I really missed a memo this past weekend, when seeing that everyone and their mother was at a pumpkin patch with their little tots. Facebook was FULL of pictures from corn mazes, hay rides and cherry cheeked cherubs holding their  Halloween pumpkins... Then it hit me, that I am just so busy at being busy that I'm missing the mark a lot. I just don't think about these things! Yes. my kid might only be 20 months old and people might argue that she won't remember all the things I didn't do at this age. But I disagree! Kids are curious little buggers and they go looking for pictorial evidence. I know I did! So even though we didn't do a pumpkin patch last year, by gosh, you will have pictures from one this year kiddo! Psh. No guilt here.

P.S I started this post last week actually, where yesterday we did make it to the pumpkin patch. So. much. fun! I'll be posting pics of that shortly :)


And finally. because I've read though this post all week, tweaking and editing, I'm lead to address my obsession of PERFECTION....Lately I've been thinking a great deal on happiness and how much of it I actually do have in my life. Yet I don't think a lot of you would know it, by the way I expect perfection. It's kind of a buzz kill. Always running around, frazzled and frantic inside, trying to complete the million and one things I've told myself I MUST GET DONE. But if I don't (which happens ALL THE TIME) then I fail. I'm a bad mom. bad wife. bad everything.

But this particular morning, I woke up. The sun was shining when I left for the gym. My hubby was on his way out for a company ride (good for him, he deserves guy time!) and the day didn't feel so weighted. Rather carefree and happy! As I drove to the gym, with my daughter nibbling her snacks like a little mouse, I thought on this happy feeling and wished everyday could start and end like this.

and than a breakthrough happened. I realized, that truthfully, it can. I just have to stop expecting perfection in EVERYTHING that I do and stop viewing chaos as a threat; rather a sign that my life is full and thriving!

So today I'm embracing myself outside of perfection. And telling myself. yes. my house will always be chaotic and never be spotless. I'll never be caught up on priorities, at any given time, because everything is a priority and most of it's revolving i.e laundry. dishes. cleaning. cooking dinner. walking the dogs. making my husband happy. making my daughter happy. you get the idea. So just understand this. accept it and move forward!

Seriously. you will operate at the minimum most days, when you actually DID gave that day your all. But don't treat that as a failure. AGAIN. your life is full and thriving!

 Delight in the things you did accomplish. No matter if it was simply time spent with your child. That IS enough.

You will never stop setting goals; you will never stop the pursuit of those goals. This is who you are. Always moving forward. Always bettering yourself. But a little tip here. Learn to recognize when your plate is full. and smile about this instead of frowning. This doesn't mean your failing, it means you're living life to it's fullest!

Lastly. your worth is not in your ability to preform perfectly. Again. I say. Your WORTH is not inherited through perfect performance. the people who matter will love you no matter what. Whether your actually juggle those balls, or you decide to sit on them, it will never change your value.

So go forth and BE who you are. and never apologize because your not perfect at it.

Ha! Take That MONDAY...  

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Rebekah! Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. :) You are juggling so much! (And I love the title of this post.) ;)


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