October 31, 2012

I Finally Understand

I finally put SugarCubes daddy bear together the other day and as much as I love seeing lil' Roscoe in her crib and how much she loves him, this bear has me tied in knots! 

We were playing on the floor yesterday, with books and toys and of course Roscoe too, when I started pointing to the picture on his belly saying "dada-dada-dada. Can you say dada?" She, of course, looks at me with fascination but not really "getting" it and moves onto a book, intent on slobbering all over it :) I sat there watching her play, but then REALLY starting looking at that picture.
I almost lost it right then! The tears and, what's bound to be, the ugliest emotional break down in my life, feels all too close these days. I can no longer say, "we have a month, three weeks or even two!" The thought that we'll only have that bear to hug and hold onto VERY SOON, is just...Wow...There's not words! I've determined that I cannot talk about this without my heart feeling like it's being squeezed into a raisin. And Lord, the horrible stab of pain at knowing our time together is down to almost nothing is brutal...
Truth be told y'all. I used to be a pretty emotionally detached person until the birth of our daughter. Don't get me wrong. I HAD passion and the ability to be a good friend. I'd just learned not to get TOO involved and attached to people, places or things. An entire life of being on the move, hopping from one place to the next, will do that! So this new me, is definitely uncharted waters and a learning curve. I'm not used to feeling so strongly on a daily basis and WANTING closer relationships! 
Point in case:
When R and I said our vows in December of 2008, that ended a LONG, long distance relationship, I found the wonderful world of blogging and better yet, a copious and thriving community of fellow MilSpouses! I was thrilled!!! However, I would stumble upon posts LIKE this one; wives and girlfriends in shambles over the departure of their significant other. And I remember thinking, I definitely feel badly for them and I wouldn't wish that fear and anxiety, deployments dump, on ANYONE but what's the big deal! You SURELY will not DIE sweety. I promise. If I can do 5 years of being apart from my man, so can you! 
To be blunt. I thought some of those posts were a little over the top and really focused on dramatizing the situation. Keep in mind, these girls were writing of their concern with time spent apart, not the terrible fear of something bad happening to their loved one ;) However, I realize that goes without saying ;)
Fast forward almost four years later and BOY, how times and people change!!!! I feel terrible for my unemotional lack of understanding and disrespect of others feelings, no matter that I NEVER voiced them a loud. What I was forgetting, is that those girls had actual, physical memories and TIME spent with their significant other. They had built strong bonds, having that person IN their lives daily! Not to mention, some had added children to the mix. That changes things SO MUCH! I know... They weren't used to using Skype, Facebook, emails and texting as a form of personal connection. No. They used hugs, kisses, touches and smiles. After 5 years of not having that, I finally experienced what REAL connection was. And I can say it definitely changes the heart while strengthening your bond more then I thought possible!
I'm not really sure why I've chosen to share this, other then to voice recurring thoughts and note the change within myself. To also say "I Get it!" If you're dealing with a deployment, or absences of your loved one, I understand and I can relate. 
And to also ask for prayer or positive thoughts for my family, as we transition "back" into time spent apart...


  1. Oh Becca! :( Waah I just wanna cry with you right now!! I know that you're a strong lady and I think that you will do so much better than you're expecting with this deployment. And I think that since y'all had a long distance relationship to begin with, that might even help, since you are already familiar with how to work all the communication! (Let's not talk about how long it took Steve and me to figure out skype... It's not as idiot-proof as you think.)

    Ohmyyes it's gonna suck, but I just know that you're gonna come out stronger, as is your marriage, if you put a conscientious effort into it. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I just hope this all goes as smoothly as it can. Love you girl!

  2. Hugs!!! We have a deployment looming in our near future, too...and I am in complete and total denial that it's happening. You are a strong lady, and you will pull through this! You have all of us out in blogland rooting for you and praying for you. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you need ANYTHING! :)

  3. You are a strong person. I think it will be easier than you are expecting. Yes, it will suck but you'll have a part of him with you.


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