In a lot of ways, I think I could be done having babies. Obviously this is a two person decision when your married and I can say with 99% certainty that R wouldn't be down for this. But if the decision was mine alone to make, I really think I could be happy with just the one child we do have.
The last time R and I talked about this, was right before he deployed. He's pretty certain he wants another baby. His reasoning being that he is really loving the daddy role. This makes my heart swell for the man, when before Alyssa was born, he was sorta freaking out about how he would fit in this new family dynamic. He's never grown up around babies or even small kids so he was more then feeling incompetent for the job and hating his lack of knowledge. So to see him really thriving and enjoying being a father, has been wonderful to watch. Truly heart warming. Don't be completely fooled though. He also wants his little boy ;)
Me...I LOVE being a mother. Like, love it more then I ever dreamed possible. I also wouldn't be, even slightly, upset if a second baby happened without planning. We're talking, not even a hiccup of self pity, sadness, disappointment or sorrow for my future plans being put on hold for a more distant future...
~So what's the problem right?~
A large part is fear of another troubled pregnancy. I had issues with high blood pressure and PreE starting in the second trimester, and as much as that wasn't fun the real fear is the disconnect R and I experienced throughout our pregnancy. What was supposed to be a joyous time for us, turned into a very hurtful situation full of surface conversations and no real connection. For nine months. It sucked. There were times I was actually concerned for our marriage and I know he was too. I have to say though, the day we met little Alyssa was pretty amazing. It was like we had been connected the entire time finally rejoicing in the birth of our baby. AWESOME memory and one I cherish and think on so much. But beyond that, why would we want to go through that again or put our marriage through that again? Just to be clear, having a baby was not the reason for our issues but it certainly didn't help having the raging hormones that R nor I understood or knew how to handle. R counters that, a second pregnancy would be completely different. We're in a MUCH better place. We have worked through so much of these past issues and I definitely feel a deeper, mature love for him now, then the day we got married or even a year ago due to working through these problems. He encourages me and says that this time, we'd have the experience we both imagined and to be honest. I feel that too...But gosh. Those memories and hurts and old fears that we could have lost one another, just have me paralyzed. I know my angst is really misplaced and in my heart I know we'd have an amazing experience but I still can't say I'll be the one deciding "it's time."
Now that I've voiced the biggest reasons, I'll put it all out on the table and list the "selfish" ones too... If you can call it that... No judging ;)
Bottom line--- R and I were having a lot of fun before he deployed! We were getting out more because Alyssa was older and her schedule and needs were becoming more stable. Gone (but not completely gone) are the days of bondage to frequent nap schedules, feeding schedules, and 10-12 diaper changes a day. And it's only going to get better too (until we hit teenage years) Alyssa will be 18-19 months old when R gets home later this year. She'll really be able to hang with the rents! I'm envisioning rock climbing adventures, camping, fishing, hiking, road trips, dinner at an actual restaurant because her bedtime is no longer 6:00 p.m. and family movie dates! She'll be potty trained, talking, really resembling a little person! I can see us. The 3 amigos, 3 musketeers, just paling around building a strong, connected and happy family bond. Alyssa would have no one to share our attention with and she'll be given more opportunities financially with only one child to cloth, feed and build college funds for. Please. Before you go there. I'm not talking about spoiling her to the point of raising a bratty, selfish child. I won't have a spoiled child. I'm talking more of a balanced, healthy sorta charmed life where she is very secure and cared for. Also provided for and then some. Say, maybe we'll actually be able to assist her with the purchase of her first vehicle? That's something I never had, that would have been nice. I do not hold that against my parents. Hell. I have 8 siblings in my family! There's no way on God's green earth that they could have afforded that and that was okay. But do you see what I mean? More mouths mean less opportunity... Not always a bad thing. I certainly developed and got my feet under me without the help, but I think you can see where I'm going here...
And there's more ;) R and I could finally settle in and really focus on us! I feel like our 4 years of marriage, so far, have been very whirlwind; in desperate need of a slow, pause or even coasting button... Children have a way of speeding things up even faster, so OMG! I'd also be able to retain all the hard work I've been doing to lose weight, tone and build muscle...The biggest one being that I've gained back a lot of my confidence and happiness through this. R's loving it! We wouldn't just "talk" about buying a cruiser one day and hitting the open road; reckless and not caring where the wind bent the wheel... We'd actually do it! R would have resources to build up his classics and not have to sell them, like we did before Alyssa was born. Oh man. I could go on for days about the endless possibilities...
Obviously we have some time to weigh on this. It kinda takes your partner being within the vicinity of your body to make a baby and the last I checked, that's not going to happen for sometime. So for now, my status is undecided. I'll just take comfort in the fact that probably 95% of the baby popping populous have these VERY thoughts, feelings and conversations. And probably 90% of us decide a giggling, chubby, round'faced munckin is worth the extra time and money. R and I'll most likely be apart of that percentage which will be more than okay. REALLY. Baby's are wonderful! Just a different kind of wonderful; Maybe not for everyone but it certainly was for me ♥ Just maybe not two ;)
What about you?
Yes. No. Maybe?
Yes. No. Maybe?