January 8, 2013

Yes. No. Maybe...



In a lot of ways, I think I could be done having babies. Obviously this is a two person decision when your married and I can say with 99% certainty that R wouldn't be down for this. But if the decision was mine alone to make, I really think I could be happy with just the one child we do have.

The last time R and I talked about this, was right before he deployed. He's pretty certain he wants another baby. His reasoning being that he is really loving the daddy role. This makes my heart swell for the man, when before Alyssa was born, he was sorta freaking out about how he would fit in this new family dynamic. He's never grown up around babies or even small kids so he was more then feeling incompetent for the job and hating his lack of knowledge. So to see him really thriving and enjoying being a father, has been wonderful to watch. Truly heart warming. Don't be completely fooled though. He also wants his little boy ;)

Me...I LOVE being a mother. Like, love it more then I ever dreamed possible. I also wouldn't be, even slightly, upset if a second baby happened without planning. We're talking, not even a hiccup of self pity, sadness, disappointment or sorrow for my future plans being put on hold for a more distant future...

~So what's the problem right?~

A large part is fear of another troubled pregnancy. I had issues with high blood pressure and PreE starting in the second trimester, and as much as that wasn't fun the real fear is the disconnect R and I experienced throughout our pregnancy. What was supposed to be a joyous time for us, turned into a very hurtful situation full of surface conversations and no real connection. For nine months. It sucked. There were times I was actually concerned for our marriage and I know he was too. I have to say though, the day we met little Alyssa was pretty amazing. It was like we had been connected the entire time finally rejoicing in the birth of our baby. AWESOME memory and one I cherish and think on so much. But beyond that, why would we want to go through that again or put our marriage through that again? Just to be clear, having a baby was not the reason for our issues but it certainly didn't help having the raging hormones that R nor I understood or knew how to handle. R counters that, a second pregnancy would be completely different. We're in a MUCH better place. We have worked through so much of these past issues and I definitely feel a deeper, mature love for him now, then the day we got married or even a year ago due to working through these problems. He encourages me and says that this time, we'd have the experience we both imagined and to be honest. I feel that too...But gosh. Those memories and hurts and old fears that we could have lost one another, just have me paralyzed. I know my angst is really misplaced and in my heart I know we'd have an amazing experience but I still can't say I'll be the one deciding "it's time."

Now that I've voiced the biggest reasons, I'll put it all out on the table and list the "selfish" ones too... If you can call it that... No judging ;)

Bottom line--- R and I were having a lot of fun before he deployed! We were getting out more because Alyssa was older and her schedule and needs were becoming more stable. Gone (but not completely gone) are the days of bondage to frequent nap schedules, feeding schedules, and 10-12 diaper changes a day. And it's only going to get better too (until we hit teenage years) Alyssa will be 18-19 months old when R gets home later this year. She'll really be able to hang with the rents! I'm envisioning rock climbing adventures, camping, fishing, hiking, road trips, dinner at an actual restaurant because her bedtime is no longer 6:00 p.m. and family movie dates! She'll be potty trained, talking, really resembling a little person! I can see us. The 3 amigos, 3 musketeers, just paling around building a strong, connected and happy family bond. Alyssa would have no one to share our attention with and she'll be given more opportunities financially with only one child to cloth, feed and build college funds for. Please. Before you go there. I'm not talking about spoiling her to the point of raising a bratty, selfish child. I won't have a spoiled child. I'm talking more of a balanced, healthy sorta charmed life where she is very secure and cared for. Also provided for and then some. Say, maybe we'll actually be able to assist her with the purchase of her first vehicle? That's something I never had, that would have been nice. I do not hold that against my parents. Hell. I have 8 siblings in my family! There's no way on God's green earth that they could have afforded that and that was okay. But do you see what I mean? More mouths mean less opportunity... Not always a bad thing. I certainly developed and got my feet under me without the help, but I think you can see where I'm going here...

And there's more ;) R and I could finally settle in and really focus on us! I feel like our 4 years of marriage, so far, have been very whirlwind; in desperate need of a slow, pause or even coasting button... Children have a way of speeding things up even faster, so OMG! I'd also be able to retain all the hard work I've been doing to lose weight, tone and build muscle...The biggest one being that I've gained back a lot of my confidence and happiness through this. R's loving it! We wouldn't just "talk" about buying a cruiser one day and hitting the open road; reckless and not caring where the wind bent the wheel... We'd actually do it! R would have resources to build up his classics and not have to sell them, like we did before Alyssa was born. Oh man. I could go on for days about the endless possibilities...

Obviously we have some time to weigh on this. It kinda takes your partner being within the vicinity of your body to make a baby and the last I checked, that's not going to happen for sometime. So for now, my status is undecided. I'll just take comfort in the fact that probably 95% of the baby popping populous have these VERY thoughts, feelings and conversations. And probably 90% of us decide a giggling, chubby, round'faced munckin is worth the extra time and money. R and I'll most likely be apart of that percentage which will be more than okay. REALLY. Baby's are wonderful! Just a different kind of wonderful; Maybe not for everyone but it certainly was for me ♥ Just maybe not two ;)

What about you? 
Yes. No. Maybe?

9 comments:

  1. I definitely know what you mean. My husband wants to try for another boy but I'd be happy if we only had one child. A part of me wants a sibling for my daughter but the thought of going thru pregnancy and birth is a little daunting. I also had issues during my pregnancy but it was more issues of homesick, loneliness, being diabetic and feeling frustrated with my body.
    But who knows how things will be in a few years. We both may be wanting another baby and will be ready to go through it all again for a little bundle of joy.

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    1. No need to explain further! I understand the swinging pendulum of emotions and frustrations that come with pregnancy and delivery... They say you forget, and I guess in a way the harsh corners of those memories are softened a bit, BUT YOU DO NOT FORGET HONEY! I could definitely see where we might decide as a tram to have another baby. I go back through Alyssa's earlier pictures and videos and it makes me ache to hold her tiny little snuggly body against mine again...In those minutes I can almost see myself having another baby. But then I kill the power on my Mac and the moment passes, ha! We would definitely wait until late 2014 early 2015 before trying again anyhow, so I have some time to make peace with it, if that is our decision :)

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  2. I haven't even had the first one yet and people are already yack yack yacking about another one. I'm pretty sure I upset the MIL the other day because I told her not to count on it because every.single.day of the last 32 weeks have been absolutely horrendus. I feel pretty bad feeling that way, but there's no sunshine and happiness way to rose-over vomitting 7 times a day, there just isn't. I refuse to talk about it yet. I finally told DH the other day that now is just not the time to talk to me about it. I just don't know if I could handle this again.

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    1. Oh goodness, I was pretty sick the first 15 weeks but the entire time! Your a strong woman!!! Pregnancy is tough. I was not one of those woman that made it look peachy keen for the rest. But my sister, who is now 13 weeks pregnant and lived with me during my entire pregnancy, says I prepared her for what the real thing is like, haha! The good new is, your almost done! However, I guess it's been long enough for me now, that I've forgotten how the end SHOULD feel like the home stretch, BUT DOESN'T! It drags on for eternity! So I withdraw that remark ;) Hang in there!!!

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  3. Hi! I'm a new follower from the hop. I am looking forward to reading more of your blog. :) Hope you are having a great day!

    Jen @ kyleandjensmith.blogspot.com
    The Adventures of our Army Life

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    1. Hi Jen! It's was a great day! Thanks for stopping by and for the follow! I'm headed your way now :)

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  4. It took me almost 4 years after the first one to decide to have #2, then by the time we had him our daughter was almost 6 years old! I had pre-e with my 1st child and deliveredat 27 weeks. With my son I made it to 37 weeks before my bp went up, but I took meds throughout the pregnancy. I also took Celexa for anxiety and depresson during my pregnancy and it really helped regulate my emotions with him!

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    1. Hi Angie! It's looking like we might be right around 4 years post pregnancy too before having another one, if we have another one. I often wonder, if that would be a mistake having them so far apart though... So sorry you had the troubles you did! And how scary to deliver at 27 weeks!!! We delivered at 36, I went into labor on my own but the doctors were fixing to induce because my blood work and symptoms were changing drastically. I was very luck to have held onto her as long as I did! She was very healthy, it was just mama who was a mess ;)

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  5. I understand what you mean. For us, it's a no. An almost definite, no. We don't want to go through me being pregnant again. It wasn't easy for me either. I don't want to have to take time away from Aubri because we have another baby. Matt doesn't have to have a son.

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